Thursday, 3 May 2012

What Happened to Love?

I always thought I would grow up and find love.  Live happily ever after, you know, the whole shebang. Though through my teenage years I'm discovering little by little more about what love is. 

About 2 years ago, when I was 17, I was in a relationship. My very first relationship. Sure things were going smoothly, I mean I was only 17 right? We spent about 3 and a half months dating. It ended just as the summer did, and I was heartbroken.  He was off to university and I was stuck in high school. Which made it tougher for me to get over him. When we finally reunited at the same camp the next summer (1 year later) we had no words to say to each other. It was completely over. Except, I still had feelings for him. Unfortunately. 

During the summer we did not speak. There were some indirect arguments, but I managed to surely get over him. It is almost another year after this, and tonight I found something on my computer that I wrote a few days prior to our break up. It reads as follows: 

"hey babe
i really don't know what has been going on lately, but i have been an emotional wreck.  i know you get annoyed when i message you, but you haven't read the messages or answered or anything. i feel like you're ignoring me.  i know this is an extremely tough time but there is no need to ignore me. if i have everything wrong, then feel free to correct me. i agree that we do need to talk about some things.  i'm really scared, and you may be too (or maybe not).  it's really hard for me to write this to you, especially after i just read some old messages we sent to eachother and cried.  but i feel like i need to lay it all out on the table and see how you feel.  please respond, i really love you no matter what"

All of this coming from me as a 17 year old that has fallen for just another boy. 

This brings me to today. Now there is this other boy. We were best friends for years, even through my past relationship. I always knew he had feelings for me, yet I chose to ignore that and postpone speaking about it. How could I be with my best friend...romantically? Seemed strange at the time, but backtrack to 4 months ago and an accidental kiss allowed for our romance to begin. We dated for 3/4 months. We broke up today. I have just found this excerpt that I wrote yesterday, before things ended:

"I have just discovered my problem in relationships. I realized that I get too emotionally attached within relationships. I have known for a few years that I get extremely stressed out with schoolwork and have anxiety, but what I did not realize was that this anxiety also occurs in my relationships. I guess I am just very vulnerable and afraid to get hurt. I want to know how to cure this. I’m scared that this will interfere with my relationships in life and drive men away from me despite my good heart. In my relationship now, I constantly need reassurance and I feel empty when my boyfriend is cold to me or does not communicate with me as much as I do with him. At times I am very emotional and I don’t know why. It bothers me that I need reassurance and that the smallest things or frustrations can put me on an emotional edge."

Now, why do I get so vulnerable with these boys? Boys that are out there to leave me broken hearted over something that could have been so good. I guess perhaps I will never exactly know. Perhaps no one exactly knows why some things happen, but we must let them happen right? Relationships are a learning experience, and though I might be left broken hearted, I can never say that I didn't try. 

Hopefully my dreams of finding love as I grow old will come true. Maybe they will not, who knows. 

Right now, I am going to take every day as it comes. Learn from my mistakes and strive to be better than I am at the moment. I know I've had my fair share of insecurities (of course you can tell from what I've written before) but no one is perfect. A little cliche but very true. 

Anyways, I'm still young and will continue to live life without regret.
Welcome to my blog,

The passionate teen